// "Things to Ponder" Quotes script- By Carlos Eton http://www.carloseton.com/ w/ changes by JK
// For this and over 400+ free scripts, visit JavaScript Kit- http://www.javascriptkit.com/
// This notice must stay intact for use
// List the statements to display. Add statements as desired.
var Statements = new Array(
'',
'When companies ship Styrofoam what do they pack it in?',
'Why is underwear called a pair?',
'Why is it called a TV \"set\" when you only get one?',
'Why in a country with free speech are there phone bills?',
'Why don\'t sheep shrink when it rains?',
'Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?',
'When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, \"Did you sleep good?\" I said \"No, I made a few mistakes.\"',
'Should you trust a stockbroker who\'s married to a travel agent?',
'I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.',
'Ever notice that it\'s only \"just a game\" when you\'re losing.',
'Why do they report power outages on TV?',
'Why do tugboats push their barges?',
'Sooner or later doesn\'t EVERYONE stop smoking?',
'Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?',
'What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?',
'If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?',
'Why do noses run and feet smell?',
'Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?',
'If a vampire can\'t see himself in a mirror, how is his hair always so neat?',
'If a cow laughed would milk come out its nose?',
'If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?',
'What genius decided men\'s bicycles should have crossbars?',
'Why is the word abbreviate so long?',
'Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just seem longer?',
'Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?',
'If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?',
'Can you be a closet claustrophobic?',
'If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens if you turn on your headlights?',
'Isn\'t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?',
'How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?',
'If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?',
'How can someone draw a blank?',
'Do toilet seats really protect us from anything?',
'Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?',
'If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, \"Quit while you\'re ahead\"?',
'How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?',
'Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?',
'How can there be self-help groups?',
'Why do you often see only one shoe lying on the side of the road?',
'Why do we pay tolls on a freeway?',
'Why do banks charge you an \"insufficient funds\" fee on money they already know you don\'t have?',
'Why is a black light not black?',
'Why is it when a door is open it\'s ajar but when a jar is open it\'s not adoor?',
'Why is it called a Caesar\'s salad? Did he invent it?',
'Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?',
'If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?',
'Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?',
'If you\'re born again do you have two belly buttons?',
'Why do they say new and improved? It can\'t be new if it was improved can it?',
'Why did kamikaze pilots have parachutes?',
'If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?',
'How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?',
'Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?',
'How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?',
'Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?',
'Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?',
'Why does the Indiana driver\'s license include in its list of possible restrictions \"B\" for \"Blind\"?',
'Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn\'t they already know it?',
'Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?',
'Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?',
'Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?',
'Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky he\'ll believe you, but tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it?',
'Why do people look up when they think?',
'Why don\'t we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?',
'Is it possible to be totally partial?',
'Does a fish get cramps after eating?',
'What happened to the first 6 \"Ups\"?',
'Why is it called a building when it\'s already built?',
'Why isn\'t phonic spelled the way it sounds?',
'Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?',
'Why do men have nipples?',
'If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?',
'Just before someone gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomachs?',
'How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?',
'Why isn\'t there mouse flavored cat food?',
'Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?',
'If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding what is it expanding into?',
'Why don\'t we get goosebumps on our face?',
'Why does an alarm \"go off\" when it BEGINS sounding?',
'If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?',
'How is it possible to have a civil war?',
'Would Roman paramedics refer to IV\'s as \"4\'s\"?',
'Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?',
'Whose brilliant idea was it for the word lisp to have an \"s\" in it?',
'How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?',
'When sign makers go on strike is there anything written on their signs?',
'If Superman can stop bullets with his chest, why does he always duck when someone throws a gun at him?',
'Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?',
'Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?',
'If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?',
'What do they plant to grow seedless watermelons?',
'Where are the germs that cause good breath?',
'Why does the minute hand on school clocks always click backward before advancing?',
'If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?',
'Shouldn\'t there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?',
'If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?',
'Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?',
'Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?',
'If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?',
'Why don\'t more psychics win the lottery?',
'How do they get the holes in Swiss cheese?',
'Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment and when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?',
'Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?',
'Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?',
'What was the best thing before sliced bread?',
'When planes almost hit each other, why is it called a near miss? Shouldn\'t it be called a near hit?',
'Why can\'t you find fresh sardines in a fish market?',
'How many turtles does it take to make one can of turtle wax?',
'Why aren\'t there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?',
'Isn\'t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do \"practice\"?',
'Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?',
'Why is yawning contagious?',
'Why do we sing Take Me Out To the Ball Game if we are already there?',
'Why do we buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?',
'Why is toilet paper scented? Isn\'t that kind of pointless?',
'Why doesn\'t Tarzan have a beard?',
'Would the ocean be deeper if sponges didn\'t grow in it?',
'If a mute swears does his mother was his hands with soap?',
'What does an environmentalist do when he sees an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?',
'Why isn\'t there another word for \"synonym\"?',
'Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for hugs?',
'Why doesn\'t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?',
'Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?',
'Why do psychics have to ask for your name?',
'Why doesn\'t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?',
'Why do \"slow down\" and \"slow up\" mean the same thing?',
'What does the \"Q\" in Q-Tip stand for?',
'What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?',
'Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.',
'Daddy, why doesn\'t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?',
'Give me ambiguity or give me something else.',
'I.R.S.: We\'ve got what it takes to take what you\'ve got!',
'We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.',
'I started with nothing and still have most of it.',
'Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.',
'I\'m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.',
'He who laughs last thinks slowest!',
'Always remember you\'re unique, just like everyone else.',
'Save the whales... Collect the whole set.',
'A flashlight is just a case for holding dead batteries.',
'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.',
'There\'s too much blood in my caffeine system.',
'Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.',
'Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.',
'I may not rise to the occasion, but I\'ll slide over to it.',
'Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.',
'Double your drive space - delete Windows!',
'What is a free gift? Aren\'t all gifts free?',
'If ignorance is bliss, you must be heavenly.',
'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.',
'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.',
'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.',
'Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.',
'I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.',
'Don\'t take life too seriously, you won\'t get out alive.',
'I don\'t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.',
'Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.',
'The gene pool could use a little chlorine.',
'Where there\'s a will, I want to be in it.',
'Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?',
'Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.',
'I\'m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.',
'We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?',
'All generalizations are false, including this one.',
'Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.',
'C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.',
'Criminal Lawyer is an oxymoron.',
'90% of all statistics are made up.',
'Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.',
'What will grow if you plant bird seed?',
'If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?',
'I went to a general store. They wouldn\'t let me buy anything specifically.',
'\"Bother,\" said Pooh as the brakes went out!',
'You can\'t have everything. Where would you put it?',
'Calvin, we will not have an anatomically correct snowman!',
'Energizer Bunny Arrested!... Charged with battery.',
'A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.',
'The only real mistakes are the ones from which you learn nothing.',
'The harder you work, the luckier you\'ll get.',
'My wife doesn\'t want to hear what I think. She wants to hear what she thinks -- in a deeper voice.',
'Outstanding leaders appeal to the hearts of their followers - not their minds.',
'The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.',
'People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. -Abigail Van Buren',
'No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar. -Abraham Lincoln',
'You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves. -Abraham Lincoln',
'When my sister and I were growing up, there was never any doubt in our minds that men and women were equal, if not more so. -Al Gore, 2000',
'A zebra does not change its spots. -Al Gore, referring to G.H.W. Bush 1992',
'During my service in the United States Congress I took the initiative in creating the Internet. -Al Gore, 1999',
'It isn\'t pollution that\'s harming the environment. It\'s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. -Al Gore',
'We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur. -Al Gore',
'If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. -Albert Einstein',
'Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. -Albert Einstein',
'Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. -Albert Einstein',
'INSANITY: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -Albert Einstein',
'Those who stand for nothing fall for anything. -Alexander Hamilton',
'POLITICS: Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. -Ambrose Bierce',
'The covers of this book are too far apart. -Ambrose Bierce',
'Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them. -Aristotle',
'The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government. -Barry Goldwater',
'Remember that a government big enough to give you everything you want is also big enough to take away everything you have. -Barry Goldwater',
'Politics wouldn\'t be politics without a fight. However, to disagree, one doesn\'t have to be disagreeable. -Barry Goldwater',
'Love your neighbor - but don\'t pull down your hedge. -Benjamin Franklin',
'If we don\'t succeed, we run the risk of failure. -Bill Clinton',
'That depends on your definition of what \"is\" is. -Bill Clinton',
'I don\'t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. -Bill Cosby',
'640K ought to be enough for anybody. -Bill Gates 1981',
'If you watch a game, it\'s fun. If you play it, it\'s recreation. If you work at it, it\'s golf. -Bob Hope',
'\"Virus\" is a Latin word used by doctors to mean \"your guess is as good as mine.\" Bob Hope',
'\"Careful. We don\'t want to learn from this.\" -Calvin',
'Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself. -Chinese Proverb',
'A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. -Doug Larson',
'Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. -Doug Larson',
'Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. -Doug Larson',
'Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. -Doug Larson',
'If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. -Doug Larson',
'Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. -Doug Larson',
'The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball. -Doug Larson',
'Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon. -E. M. Forster',
'When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. -Franklin D. Roosevelt',
'If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience. -George Bernard Shaw',
'The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -George Bernard Shaw',
'One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven\'t and don\'t. -George Bernard Shaw',
'A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -George Bernard Shaw',
'Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that\'s twice as big as it needs to be. -George Carlin',
'When someone asks you, \"A penny for your thoughts,\" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? -George Carlin',
'To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace. -George Washington',
'I\'m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. -Hillary Clinton, during Bill's presidency',
'We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good. -Hillary Clinton',
'You know, I\'m going to start thanking the woman who cleans the restroom in the building I work in. I\'m going to start thinking of her as a human being. -Hillary Clinton',
'It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle a question without debating it. -Jeseph Joubert',
'The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all. -John F. Kennedy',
'Don\'t wait for your ship to come in. Swim out and meet it. -John Mason',
'There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home. -Ken Olsen, President, Digital Equipment 1977',
'Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs. -Malcolm Forbes',
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC',
'It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. -Mark Twain',
'Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -Mark Twain',
'When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. -Mark Twain',
'Computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons. -Popular Mechanics, March 1949',
'What you do speaks more loudly than what you say. -Ralph Waldo Emerson',
'ELEPHANT: A mouse built to government specifications. -Robert A. Heinlein',
'Do not handicap your children by making their lives too easy. -Robert A. Heinlein',
'Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein',
'The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away. -Ronald Reagan',
'The government\'s view of the economy could be summed up by the following: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan',
'Government does not solve problems. It subsidizes them. -Ronald Reagan',
'The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, \"I\'m from the government and I\'m here to help.\" -Ronald Reagan',
'Smoking kills. If you\'re killed, you\'ve lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields',
'I bought some batteries, but they weren\'t included. So I had to buy them again. -Steven Wright',
'No government ought to be without censors & where the press is free, no one ever will. -Thomas Jefferson',
'I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. -Thomas Jefferson',
'He who permits himself to tell a lie once, finds it easier to do it a second time. -Thomas Jefferson',
'The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do. -Thomas Jefferson',
'The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will. -Vince Lombardi',
'Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. -Will Rogers',
'Lettin\' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier\'n puttin\' it back in. -Will Rogers',
'Even if you are on the right track, you\'ll get run over if you just sit there. -Will Rogers',
'When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don\'t be surprised if they learn their lesson. -Will Rogers',
'The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. -Will Rogers',
'Any man who is under 30 and is not a liberal has no heart; and any man who is over 30 and is not a conservative has no brains. -Winston Churchill',
'An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last. -Winston Churchill',
'From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -Winston Churchill',
'I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents. -Winston Churchill',
'It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. -Winston Churchill',
'Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. -Winston Churchill',
'Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill '
);
/*
GetStatement( ) is the primary function. It assumes the following:
1. The HTML file contains a form named "statementform".
2. Within the statement form, there is a textarea or textbox named "statement". */
function GetStatement(outputtype) //modified by javascriptkit.com to either write out result or set innerHTML prop
{
var Number = GetRandomNumber(0, Statements.length - 1);
if(++Number > Statements.length - 1) Number = 0;
if (outputtype==0)
document.write(Statements[Number])
else if (document.getElementById)
document.getElementById("ponder").innerHTML=Statements[Number];
}
// The GetRandomNumber( ) function extracts a random number within a given range.
function GetRandomNumber(lbound, ubound)
{
return (Math.floor(Math.random() * (ubound - lbound)) + lbound);
}
// The Number variable keeps track of which statement to display. It will start at a random point.
var Number = GetRandomNumber(0, Statements.length - 1);